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FUTURE IS NOW

March 13, 2012

Brit Trogen

I always told myself that the invention of a "time cloak" would be undeniable proof that we are now living in future times. Well, gues what friends? The future is now. Not only do we have a time cloak, we have a whole host of futuristic doo-dads that couldn't possibly exist if we were living in the boring old "present." So buckle up...

 

 

Let's start with the time cloak. Sounds like a mix of two Harry Potter books, right? Thanks to scientists at Cornell University, we know better. This new invention doesn't just make an object invisible, it cloaks an entire event, making it undetectable to the human eye. Currently only successful on the very small scale, this device works using a "split-time lens," creating a gap in a beam of light or laser. If you carry off your bank heist or happy dance during this gap, the device will stitch the light beam back together on the other side... And no one will ever know.

 

What's that? You're not impressed? "What about an invention that can stop stupid people from yammering on incessantly?" you say?

 

Not to worry... There's a thing for that. The "Speech Jammer" out of Japan functions essentially as a human mute button. You can aim it at anyone within close range, and, once you're tired of hearing their grating, idiotic voice, fire an effective silencing beam. I know who I'd use it on. The jammer works using the concept of delayed auditory feedback, the well known concept that hearing your own voice at a delay will force you to stop talking. It's not even uncomfortable! Unlike some of the ramblings of my future target...

 

And finally, I'm sure you're very concerned about the homeless problem... the problem being that homeless people don't serve any functional purpose to we non-homeless. Well, worry no more! Now those wandering vagrants can be transformed into something wonderful: 4G hotspots

 

Need I say more?

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